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February 2007 
Lost in the Wilderness
Posted on Feb 19th, 2007
by 
Jessica Lee
Jessica Lee
Well just got another rejection letter for a position I applied to. I just knew I was perfect for that job. I have a four yr degree and experience. Why is it so hard to find a decent job!? I feel so stuck in a rut now and don't quite know how to get out. I have so much knowledge about the present moment and thoughts and tuning into my true nature, but sometimes, I still find myself sinking into the bottomless pit of negative emotion. I keep thinking of this dream I had not to long ago.
I dreamt I was in a classroom competing with the other students. We were all trying to read the book at hand the fastest to win. I finished the book first and called the teacher over. When she got there she looked at me funny and gave me the smallest star sticker. I said "But I finished first, don't I get the prize?", then she said "Yes you would have my dear except you were reading the wrong book." I then became angry with her because she did not tell me this before. I was blaming her for my actions.
When I woke up from this dream I thought Oh my god. What if I have been reading the wrong book of life. What if I have been going in completely the wrong direction all along? I got a degree in my subject because I simply didn't know what else to do. Not because it's what I really wanted. My education was subject to certain conditions or else I probably would have went to dance school which is what I always felt in my heart. Then I was married young and had children so that dream was litterly impossible. At the time, I was fine with this. I was just happy I could get any kind of education at all. My degree has helped me get some o.k. jobs. But none that have been the right fit or that I have felt genuinly happy with. But now that I'm almost 30, unemployed, and struggling to find where I belong. I'm scared to death that unless I make a drastic change, I am going to end up miserable for the rest of my life wondering where I went wrong and why I didn't do something about it sooner.
I have, over the years, developed a true passion for yoga and given serious thought to persuing this as a career. Although it's not something I can do right now. I am just barely an intermediate and have a long way to go, I think. Will I make enough money? Am I crazy for wanting to do this? The usual questions of the commitie of my mind are always there, taunting me, waiting for me to mess up so they can say "I told you so."
This is, by far, the most personal thing I've ever put out there for the world to see. I just don't care anymore. Almost all of my family is deceaced and so people to ask these questions to is very limited. Don't get me wrong, I trust in the universe and I do trust in myself. I believe I have created this situation for myself and that it is a part of something much bigger. But when I got that damn letter today I just wanted to crawl in a hole and give up. Maybe I'm just having a bad day. Maybe I'm just venting. Or maybe someone out there somewhere is going through the same thing. Or maybe just by typing this out, I have come one step closer to the truth, one step closer to home. If this sounds truly desperate than it probably is. I have nothing to hide and nowhere to hide it. I hope that everyone who reads this is pursuing what they truly love. And I hope that I will someday too. So, if you have something to say please, please say it.
Our path through the wilderness of life is long and full of surprises. It is only with the help of our friends along the way we may find the fuel to continue. It is only the guidence within that allows us the bravery to listen. Thank you for listening:)
I dreamt I was in a classroom competing with the other students. We were all trying to read the book at hand the fastest to win. I finished the book first and called the teacher over. When she got there she looked at me funny and gave me the smallest star sticker. I said "But I finished first, don't I get the prize?", then she said "Yes you would have my dear except you were reading the wrong book." I then became angry with her because she did not tell me this before. I was blaming her for my actions.
When I woke up from this dream I thought Oh my god. What if I have been reading the wrong book of life. What if I have been going in completely the wrong direction all along? I got a degree in my subject because I simply didn't know what else to do. Not because it's what I really wanted. My education was subject to certain conditions or else I probably would have went to dance school which is what I always felt in my heart. Then I was married young and had children so that dream was litterly impossible. At the time, I was fine with this. I was just happy I could get any kind of education at all. My degree has helped me get some o.k. jobs. But none that have been the right fit or that I have felt genuinly happy with. But now that I'm almost 30, unemployed, and struggling to find where I belong. I'm scared to death that unless I make a drastic change, I am going to end up miserable for the rest of my life wondering where I went wrong and why I didn't do something about it sooner.
I have, over the years, developed a true passion for yoga and given serious thought to persuing this as a career. Although it's not something I can do right now. I am just barely an intermediate and have a long way to go, I think. Will I make enough money? Am I crazy for wanting to do this? The usual questions of the commitie of my mind are always there, taunting me, waiting for me to mess up so they can say "I told you so."
This is, by far, the most personal thing I've ever put out there for the world to see. I just don't care anymore. Almost all of my family is deceaced and so people to ask these questions to is very limited. Don't get me wrong, I trust in the universe and I do trust in myself. I believe I have created this situation for myself and that it is a part of something much bigger. But when I got that damn letter today I just wanted to crawl in a hole and give up. Maybe I'm just having a bad day. Maybe I'm just venting. Or maybe someone out there somewhere is going through the same thing. Or maybe just by typing this out, I have come one step closer to the truth, one step closer to home. If this sounds truly desperate than it probably is. I have nothing to hide and nowhere to hide it. I hope that everyone who reads this is pursuing what they truly love. And I hope that I will someday too. So, if you have something to say please, please say it.
Our path through the wilderness of life is long and full of surprises. It is only with the help of our friends along the way we may find the fuel to continue. It is only the guidence within that allows us the bravery to listen. Thank you for listening:)
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